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How Much Longer?

i know everyone is getting tired of me complaining. but i am really not doing well! i am having major cramping pains, contractions (whether BH or real, i am not sure), joint pain, and all over ickiness.
i am SO ready for josiah to be born. was i this miserable the month before jeremiah’s birth? i will have to go through posts and see, but i really don’t think it was this bad.
i guess it’s all just getting to me. 5 (or more) needles of insulin a day, at LEAST 5 finger pricks a day. eating the same amount of carbs for every meal. being so uncomfortable i can hardly breathe sometimes. major pressure, major tightness, major LOWNESS. having major pain when i try to walk, or even move my legs. peeing all the time. feeling inadequate as a mama because i can’t get on the floor and play with my toddler like i want to. feeling inadequate as a wife because i feel too bad to get anything done around the house.
even just sitting here i feel horrible. even lying down i feel horrible.
ok i’m tired of my own whining. i can’t take it anymore.

i interrupt my whining to show you a pic. i’ve been using a new cool editor thing. what do you think?

please pray for me. i do NOT want to complain. i want to be happy, knowing that i will soon hold my son. and that DOES make me happy. i am so excited and looking forward to being a mama of TWO boys. i love josiah so much i can’t even believe it. i have not ONCE had that feeling that people say is normal, to think that i won’t have enough love for a second child. i love jeremiah more than my own life, and i love josiah just as much. am i strange for not being the “norm”?
that reminds me. i had a dream last night that we found out at the ultrasound that josiah really is a girl. and i was bawling. i was SO UPSET. it was like my son was gone. even tho i would be happy to have a daughter, i have had my heart wrapped around this second boy for so long, that it was like he had died, and a daughter was supposed to replace him. does that sound horrible? i am thinking with the next pregnancy, i might not find out the gender, just because of this.
ok so this is one of the most depressing posts you’ve read in a while, huh? sorry about that.
note that i added the cast of characters to the sidebar, and also the flickr badge is back up. unfortunately, you still have to be a flickr member and have me add you as a contact for you to be able to see the pics. otherwise anyone who looks at flickr would be able to see my pics, and i’m NOT ok with that. jerry is working on a gallery script for this site tho, so hold tight. i will be much happier when pics are on-site only. i don’t like everyone having to remember 20 different passwords and usernames! (lynn)
oh! we added a new thing to your username – you can click on personal details and add your url. if there’s anything else i should add, let me know. there are unlimited options.
well i’m going to close now. i think jeremiah should be waking up from nap soon, and i don’t want to be in the middle of something when he does. 😉
hugs and blessings.

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