What to Feel

What to Feel

i have long wanted to write for advice and prayer on this matter. my heart just aches so much about it, i have tried to ‘forget’ about it and hope that it goes away. obviously, that will never happen. i need to accept it and face it and DO SOMETHING. but there is my problem. i don’t know WHAT to do!!!!

my sister jannelle was adopted at age 12. before that, she was taken from her home and put into ours as a foster child at age 5. she had been molested by her stepfather. they tried giving him another chance, and it happened again. at age 10, they tried putting her back with birth family (aunt and uncle), only to have her physically beaten and practically starved. she returned to our foster home, and then was adopted by my family at 12.

her birth mother never left her stepfather, even after what he did to her. the courts gave bmom the ultamatim – your daughter or your husband – and she chose her husband. still, she kept in contact with my sister. my sister always said how she didn’t care about her birth mom anymore because of all that she let happen to her.

anyway, jannelle turned 18 last august. in september, she ran away from home, taking all her things, and going to her birth mother’s house. seems they had planned this for a while. this was a huge blow to my family. we love her. she is our OWN, yet she decided to go live with someone who allowed horrible things to happen to her.

in november, we were told that she was pregnant. her birth mom and jannelle sounded thrilled, and expected us to be. it seems she had had sex almost as soon as she left. the guy wanted nothing to do with her once he found out about the pregnancy. we didn’t know how to take this. we could not very well be happy that such a situation occurred. we later found out that she was having twin boys. we only prayed for the safety of the babies. the environment we knew they would be getting into was not a good one, so we were concerned.

when we first found out, we tried to think of what could be done. we were due in august, so if we took one of the boys, that would give us a month or two age difference. my sister in law and brother could take the other twin. of course, my sister wants her toys, so this was never truly considered. we thought about the state coming in and taking the kids. but there has to be some sort of evidence of wrongdoing, and for that to happen, something bad has to happen. we DON’T want that. we want to prevent that!!!!!

so for the last few months we have tried to avoid thinking about it. praying for the boys and jannelle but trying to be as detatched as possible. does that make sense??

she just had the boys yesterday, via c-section. her whole birth family was present. my mom and i don’t feel comfortable around these people, or else we would have gone to support her.

i am just at a loss as to how i should act or feel or ANYTHING. i believe in forgiveness but i also believe in repentance. she has done nothing to show she is sorry. she has not apologized for throwing her family – my family – away. she still thinks she should have both families and we should be FINE and happy with this. she does not seem to think at all that the decision she made has done such damage.

i do not feel joy about being an ‘aunt’. i am only severly and totally scared for the boys. my sister is mentally retarded. her mother is even slower than she is, as is everyone in her birth family. i do not see how the boys could be taken care of well.

the only money coming in is from the state, as both jannelle and her birth mom get disability. they don’t own a car (but neither has their license anyway). jannelle chose not to graduate high school, and her birth mom never graduated either. they don’t own a phone. i do not know what they eat there, but i’m sure it’s just junk. i’m sure jannelle won’t try breastfeeding without my family’s encouragement. so i don’t know if they will get enough to eat.

the way jannelle treated jeremiah, her beloved nephew, was like a toy. he was fun one second, but the next she wanted to put him down and go do something else. i am so worried these boys will be neglected, or worse.

what should i feel? what should i do? i don’t KNOW!!!!!! i have been praying and praying but i don’t even know what to pray for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

being pregnant myself i am at a hormonal place right now – i am normally sensitive, but it’s even worse because of the pregnancy.

i can’t write anymore, and i hope this makes some sense.


One thought on “What to Feel

  1. Oh Jenn…I am in tears right now as I can feel the pain that yo
    Oh Jenn…I am in tears right now as I can feel the pain that you are going through! Of course your #1 concern are those boys, as it should be! But, I’m sorry to say, maybe the complications that she is having with the boys is a blessing…because it will make Jennelle wake up and see that she has to be the adult here, and that she has to grow up! And fast! We have a similar situation at our home right now. My niece just had a baby, out of wed-lock. We all thought her boyfriend was a great guy, he’s a hick, but he really shows his love to Erin. Well, Erin’s water broke at home, Kenny didn’t clean it up because it was “too gross”…so he called his mother to come in and clean it before Erin came home with the baby. Now all of a sudden that the baby is here, Kenny’s mom is all over Erin that she’s a big lazy pig, and that the baby better have Kenny’s last name, and she’s retarded, and all this other stuff that she never had an ill thing to say about Erin before the baby got here. But now this baby has to be in this hostile environment, somewhere that a baby doesn’t have to be in, ya know? I wish I had more advice for you with Jennelle. Just keep praying, and let her know that you’re here for her, and for the babies for ANYTHING that she may need. Just keep praying that this whole situation will open her eyes and she’ll see where she needs to be, with the family that showed her the love that she’ll want to show to her babies as well. Please keep me posted, and if you need to talk, you know how to get in touch with me! Lots and lots of hugs!

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