Hard Times

i have been having battling feelings regarding jeremiah and his sleep at night. i love him SO much that it’s hard not to give into his pleas. i know it’s best for him to stay in his own bed at night, and sleep better through the night. but it’s still very difficult for me to go back to this crying to sleep phase. since he’s been sick so much, we have been lax on a good schedule, and haven’t been strict about where he sleeps. i feel since he’s 8 mos old now, this needs to end. he needs to sleep in his crib. if we were already in our new home, i would rig the crib next to my bed. but we can’t wait to start when we get into the new house. it needs to change now.
this is the second night and he has been quiet for about 7 minutes now. it took about 20 minutes all together for him to calm himself down and go to sleep. last night it took about an hour. so that is great progress. last night i kept going in to remind him that i loved him, but that only made things worse for him. he just cried harder and harder because he wanted me to pick him up. i promised myself i would not pick him up until a certain time (6am or after) for a feeding, because i assumed he’d be hungry by then. anyway, tonight i only went in one time, and he went ballistic again. so i know that going in to comfort him does just the opposite.
as he was in his room bawling, i was on the couch crying. i cannot stand to hear him cry. it breaks my heart. i also can’t bring myself to steel myself to his cries, because i want to be attentive and know his annoyed and frustrated cry apart from his hurt or urgent cry.
he is the most precious gift to me and i don’t ever want to hurt him. jerry assures me that jeremiah knows that i love him more than my own life and that i would never hurt him. i cannot let him control this household though, and i think he has been doing that. i never wanted a spoiled child. i want my children to always know that they are loved and they are the apples of my eye, but i also want them to know I am the mama and jerry is the papa. the children are NOT in charge around here. this may seem harsh to some, but i believe it’s biblically sound.
jeremiah, your mama loves you SO much. i would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. please know how much i love you and that i am doing this for your own good and for the betterment of our family. you and i haven’t been getting enough sleep and this will help us to get back on schedule, waking up at a decent hour, starting our day off right. i love you little man! you are my bubbie-boo and my precious mi-mi.
love, your mama

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