Every day, I make mistakes with my kids. It could be a pretty good day with one little mistake, but often, I yell too loudly and too much, lose my patience too often, and just act like a complete fool.
On those days, I can completely blow it. I don’t treat my kids in a Christ-like manner, I talk like a disrespectful jerk to my husband, and I pretty much go to bed feeling like a major hypocrite.
Yesterday was like that for me.
My patience had been on edge the whole day, but when my younger boys were taking a shower before bed, I lost it. My youngest squirted our shampoo into the tub – the entire bottle – after I’d just told him to leave it alone. When I say I lost it, I’m serious. I blew up. I overreacted, and my son went to sleep scared of me.
As I write this now, my heart hurts all over again. I love my kids so much, but sometimes my flesh takes over and I feel like I have to prove to them that I’m the one in control.
Parenting isn’t about controlling, it’s about connecting! I talk about grace-based parenting, yet act like a monster. I know it’s not a coincidence that Jerry and I are trying The Year of No Yelling, that our ministry of Busy Being Blessed seems to be doing well, and that we have made commitments to God and each other about our parenting. I realize Satan is working on us double-time.
Still. I’m so ashamed.
My guilt always comes after the fact. I always realize how awful I’d been, then repent. Last night, after I went in to kiss my sleeping boy and my hot tears amazingly didn’t awaken him, I prayed.
“Dear Lord, I’m so grateful for Your grace, and Your forgiveness that is everlasting. You’ve already forgiven this, even before I was sorry about it.
Father, You’ve even forgiven tomorrow’s stupid mistakes! I’m so thankful You’re not like me. You don’t put me in time-out, waiting for a sign of change.
You have forgiven when I don’t deserve it, and You and I both know I never deserve it! Please help me be more like You. My boys need grace, just like I do. They need Your grace, Your patience, Your compassion, Your unconditional love.
Please, Lord, I beg You, help me be more like You.”
I knew He’d lavished His grace on me anew, like a fresh falling rain. I had a new chance to be the mom my kids need, the mom God calls me to be.
Every moment is a fresh start. We just need to rely on the Grace-giver. We can’t wallow in our guilt, our shame.
It happened.
It’s over.
It was forgiven on the cross.
There’s grace, even when we blow it.
This goes for the explosive mom, the disrespectful wife, and the disobedient child.
His grace covers it all.
Thank You, Lord.
Moreover the law entered, that the offence might abound. But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound: Romans 5:20
Jenn
About Jenn: I’m a Christian wife to an amazing man (since 1998) and a stay-at-home-teaching mom to four special & incredible boys (born in 2004, 2005, 2007, & 2009). I’m messy and cluttered, but working on that (really, I am!). I’m a discouraged perfectionist and a classic procrastinator who probably has both ADD & Autism, so I tend to jump from topic to topic (and activity to activity) without notice. My Love Languages are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. I’m an INFP who enjoys friends but loves to be alone. I love getting and giving hugs, and encouragement is a Spiritual gift of mine that can too-easily be turned into the weapon of discouragement, if I’m not careful. I enjoy writing, singing, words, drawing, photography, digital creations, and reading. Oh, and pizza, tacos, and steak. Now I’m hungry. That reminds me; I eat gluten free and try to eat organic and avoid white sugar and GMOs as much as possible. Find me on Facebook (Writer/Editor page) (Fan page), Twitter, Pinterest, or Instagram.
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Jenn, I so appreciate your total honesty in this post. We all lose it from time to time and we need His grace daily. The times I mess up with my kids, I see it as a chance for them to practice forgiveness and mercy with me. And a chance for me to practice being humble and asking their forgiveness. I am sharing this and adding it to my blog round-up #9 because every mom needs this reminder.
Aw, Jen, don’t be too hard on yourself. We all mess up. Raising kids is a tough job—and the most thankless, it seems at times…like bath time! I learned that being real with my kids meant that yes, sometimes I lost it…just like they did…and those were the times that I had to humble myself and apologize. I try to look at my mistakes/failures/flaws/shortcomings etc (and sin!) as opportunities to learn a lesson myself. If you read some of my recent blog posts, you’ll see how God has been giving me an opportunity to learn to shut up…it’s an ongoing lesson…sigh. Thanks for your vulnerability in this post and sharing that yes, we are forgiven…let’s not wallow in it! Great attitude. That’s where the devil wants us to stay so that it’s easier to mess up again and keep the cycle going, spiraling downward. But greater is He that is in us than He that is in the world!
Jenn, I know this guilt all too intimately. I’m so sorry you struggling with blowing it, too, but I’m so glad that I’m not alone in this. “His grace covers all.” <- Goodness, did I need to remember this today and every day. Thank you for sharing your heart. You helped to heal mine. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. 🙂
Oh, yes. So good to know that our sins are covered and that repentance brings restoration. God gives grace not guilt. May we always go back to that truth when we fail again, trusting His goodness to carry us forward.
Yes. So much me right now too! Those moments I start to get riled up, and then I just stop and realize I need to focus on the connecting not the controlling like you say. Important words. Thank God for His grace and lessons for me even as I am teaching lessons to my children.
As I read your post, tears just streamed down my face. I too, blow it more than I care to admit. Being a mom is one of the greatest yet trying tasks God has given us. I am not perfect by any means but do strive daily to be a better me. With so many things wanting my attention it’s easy to get disconnected from my true source of life and that’s Jesus. Thank you so much for sharing as it’s just a reminder we all struggle and mess up.
Jenn, thank you so much for posting this! It was a sweet reminder from the Lord for me today, that I am not alone in my struggles as a mom of four young children and that His grace is sufficient for me.
This bathtime struggle sounds all too familiar to me. I feel like I am the only mom who ever blows her top and acts unkindly toward her children. I’ve never heard of the control vs. connection parenting aspect and will be praying the Lord teaches my heart to connect with my children in a way that honors Him.
Thank you for your transparency so I can combat the lie that I am alone in this struggle. Most importantly, thank you for pointing me to the cross and reminding me of God’s great GRACE for my sinful heart. You are a gem.
-Tiffany P.
Aw, thank you, Tiffany! You have no idea what reading this right now did for me. It’s an encouragement to my heart to know I’ve encouraged someone else. I’m so glad the Lord brought you to our site to read just the right things at the right time. 🙂
God bless–hope to see you soon. 🙂