Finally Facing Facts

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I have been in denial for a few days. It just doesn’t seem real to me…I have been waiting to see an ultrasound to know for sure. Somehow I’ve been holding out hope that the baby is still there…I’ve seen and heard a few stories of pregnancies that continued just fine with similar symptoms, so I’ve been clinging to those…

But today the cramping and the bleeding (especially clots) have been even worse. Really bad. So I guess it’s time to face facts and TRULY say goodbye to Janoah Hope…Mom thought I should keep the name just “Janoah” as it could be appropriate for a boy or a girl…But in my heart, this baby was a girl, so I want to name her a girly name.

I still don’t think I’ll be able to fully grieve until I see that ultrasound. I’m such a visual person, I just don’t know how else I can face it. At church today, everyone who knew was asking “How are you doing?” – how do you respond to that, honestly? I just told most of the people that I was in denial, that it wasn’t real yet.

I feel like I should be crying all the time, yet I feel completely numb…even dead inside. I can’t quite get a hold of my emotions. I have absolutely no patience and the main emotion that keeps coming out is anger…so perhaps it’s a process I need to go through…

It’s been interesting, heartbreaking and even funny to talk to the boys about this. Jeremiah, at almost five, was soooo excited about the new baby. He immediately told everyone he could at church last Sunday…and he’s the one who nicknamed baby “Sprout”. When I told him about the baby being dead, he cried. I tried to explain that the baby was in heaven now. He analytically asked me, “So, does God have to cut your head off to get the baby out of your belly to take to Heaven, or what?” “No, honey that’s not quite how it works…” “GOOD!”

Ah, children. I told Josiah about it the other day, but it went right over his head until today, when he came into the bathroom and noticed the blood…He asked why it was there and I told him because the baby was dying out of Mama and that was the blood…He got really upset and said that he was Bibleman and that he would save my baby. :*( I told him that it was too late, that the baby was gone and that no one could save her. That she was with Jesus and Great Grandma Loy and Great Grandpa Loy now. He was still upset, and still didn’t understand, of course. He kept saying that it was ok, the baby would be here soon…
And I kept telling him that no, the baby would only be in Heaven, and we would see her in heaven someday…Finally he said, “It’s ok, we already have a baby – Jamin. So Jesus can have the other baby”. :*( I told him that Mama still wants another baby, and he got upset again, saying we didn’t need any more babies. I am pretty sure he was scared that more babies might mean Mama has more blood…but I’m not positive.

Well just typing this has been taxing for me…Thank you so much to everyone who has written here, via email, via Facebook…you are all so sweet and wonderful. I have gotten many forms of support from you all…It’s startling and so heartbreaking how many people miscarriage affects.

Some of you will have noticed the song “Glory Baby” I posted on my facebook. It has already brought be tears of cleansing pain…

Glory Baby – Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

I found another song that means so much to me, even more now, that helped me give Janoah her middle name “Hope”.

With Hope – Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you’ve gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but …

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
‘Cause we believe with hope
(There’s a place by God’s grace)
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again
We’ll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God’s plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
‘Cause now you’re home
And now you’re free, and …

We have this hope as an anchor
‘Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so …

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Be blessed…

This Post Has One Comment

  1. Julie

    I remember the first time Jared was old enough to understand about losing a baby… It was the one we lost between the girls. He sobbed uncontrolably for a long time. It was so sad. 🙁 … I think he was 4 1/2 at the time.

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