Failure into Beauty?

Thanks so much to Roeshel for the use of her amazing tire images! Check out her blog post about upcycling an old tire.

Sometimes I feel like such a failure!
More often than I’m comfortable with, my little world seems to spin out of my control.
I *line up my failures, and count them again. Even as I list them, they seem insignificant in the light of bigger problems. Then I feel guilty over feeling frustrated at all and have to add guilt to my list…

Pee on the seat, tank and rim. Who taught these boys to aim?
I won’t even mention the bottoms to wipe. (Oh, wait.)
Endless piles of laundry and dishes to wash.
Approximately 200 spills a day.
Multiple messes, broken things and fights.
One too many yells. One too many tears.

Am I cut out for this?
This is all I prayed for?
This is what I dreamed of?
Am I failing my husband? My kids? Myself? My Lord?

At these low times, I can’t help but compare myself to others. Others in my real-life or my online life.

I’m not as pretty as…
I still feel like that lonely, ugly girl in junior high, called “Dog-face Case” by boys who had no idea that their words would still cause my heart to quiver in pain 25 years later…

I’m not as smart as…
I never finished college. I have no degree. I “wasted my potential.” I could have done so much more for my family, if only I’d been smarter…

I’m not as fashionable as…
I still feel like that girl with strangely matching clothes and a quirky (well, odd) fashion sense. Hot pink shoes, turquoise socks, hot pink headband, turquoise slacks…

I’m not as strong as…
I get my feelings hurt too often; my emotions control me too often. I don’t lose weight fast enough. I don’t keep up with my healthy habits enough…

I’m not as resourceful as…
Oh all the craft ideas I have in my head! The home-school projects I’d like to do, the organization I want to see, the lists I want to get checked off, the things I’d love to perfect…

I’m not as good a wife as…
I fail as a helpmeet and homemaker more times than I can count. I know how my husband desires a well-kept home, and that his love language is Acts of Service, yet I still can’t manage my household well…

I’m not as good a mom as…
I yell so often. I don’t take them places often enough. I don’t play with them enough. I don’t spend enough one-on-one time with them. I lose my patience far too often…

I’m not as godly as…
I don’t pray enough. I don’t read my Bible enough. I’m not in enough Bible studies. I can’t even make it to the one Bible study I signed up for…I can’t even seem to make it to online Bible studies…

You know, comparisons are always self-centered. It’s when I’m focusing on myself that my vision gets skewed. I will never measure up to anyone else. Know what? I’m not supposed to! I’m me. The me God made. So *all I ever have to be is what He made me. I’m flawed, imperfect, broken and *He loves me anyway! God put me here. He allowed me to be Jerry’s wife and blessed me with my boys.

If we get down to it, this isn’t about me. It’s about Him. *His strength is perfect. Right now. Always. His power is greatest in my weakness. Wow, that’s pretty powerful, considering I’m such a weakling! If I were perfect, I wouldn’t need Him or His grace. He sent His Son to cover my sins, so obviously He thought I was *someone worth dying for, right?

*In Christ, I can do all things! Nothing is too difficult for Him, and He won’t place anything in my life that He won’t help me through. (Note that I’ll never be strong enough to get through alone. I can’t do it without Him!) Who knows what lesson I need to learn. Who knows what lessons others will learn through me? He is the one Who brings *beauty for ashes, after all!

I suppose the difficulty of this journey is part of the joy of what’s to come. When I lay myself down, I get renewed, turned into a closer version of who I’m meant to be. *No, I’m not perfect, not put together, sometimes I stumble, but this is real life, friends. *So here I am again, ready to be opened up and broken. And ready to share my imperfections with you, to remind you that you are not alone and are not expected to be perfect either.

I’m so thankful that on the cross, I was forgiven of every sin. Every sin in my past, and in my future. They were ALL forgiven before I ever existed. *I am redeemed. I’m free. It’s time to act like it, not *living free from a prison cell!

I will always be a work in progress. It won’t be until Heaven that I’m a completed work of art. I can always reach to be better, out of love for Him, and it’s not going to change without Him. But I might as well accept myself as I am. Give myself a break and *rest in in Him, for He is my peace. I can tell myself “You are beautiful, because God made you!” I’m beautiful. I’m beautiful. Hmm still feels awkward. I guess I’ll just say it until I believe it.

Thank You, Lord, for loving me *just as I am. Thank You for *loving me first, because I know I would never have made it to You if it were up to me.

How about you? Do you ever feel like a failure? Do you compare yourself to others and feel like you don’t measure up?

Just remember: You’re beautiful. He loves you as you are and wants what’s best for you!

* = The starred song lyrics refer to what I’m calling a “Mix-tape Special.” Clicking here will take you to a page with the songs linked for available purchase to make your own cd or playlist.

Thanks so much to Roeshel for the use of her amazing tire images! Check out her blog post about upcycling an old tire.