Asking for Prayer

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Do you ever have so much in your heart to say that you just can’t make yourself sit down and say it?

I am grieving. I am grieving deeply for a little boy that I never met in person.

I can act like I’m fine, most of the time. I can pretend that I’m ok. But I am teetering. Even when taking half a lexapro a day, I feel like I’m going to slip into full-blown Depression at any moment.

I know it’s partly because of my pregnancy hormones that I’m taking this so hard. but I also know that’s not all.

When I see Josiah, I think of ****. He is only a few months older than ****. When I see Jeremiah, I think of ****’s big brother. He is 12 days older than Jeremiah.

I watch my boys together, and I think of ****’s mom. How could she see her two precious sons play together, day in, day out, then all the sudden watch just one son? I feel a stab of guilt. Why do I still have both of my precious boys, but she has only one left?

I know it has nothing to do with me. I am not responsible. No one is. I have no right to be angry with God, either. These things happen. It is a sinful world, and these things just happen.

Yet I just can’t wrap my head or heart around it. This beautiful, lively, sweet, fun, precious little boy is gone. If I couldn’t hold and snuggle and play with my Josiah anymore, what would I do? I am already in despair over someone else’s child’s death. what would I do if it was my child?

And I think I don’t trust God like I thought I did. Because I am always worried that something will happen to one of my kids now. I am always thinking one of the boys are going to be badly hurt, or worse, that one of them will die. I am constantly thinking that something will happen to the baby, and I’ll lose him. I keep thinking that if a great, wonderful, loving, trusting mom like her can lose her child, then I can too, because I don’t seem to know what to think or do anymore.

I’m scared. I’m scared of how I’m feeling. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be able to let go. But I also want to be able to pray for this sweet family all the time. If I let go, will I think of them all the time like I do now? Even if I could let go, would it be the right thing? But I have no idea how to let go even if I wanted to.

I don’t know. I feel so selfish asking for prayer for me, when it isn’t me who has lost someone. That’s why I haven’t brought it up before now. But I just can’t keep it in anymore.

I also don’t know what to do about these feelings. I don’t know where to turn. When I pray about it, it seems so pointless somehow. God didn’t listen when we asked Him to heal ****…why would he heal this pain?

Little boy with golden curls and eyes so deep deep blue,

When I watch my little boys play somehow I always think of you.

Why did you leave us? Why so soon? Why could nothing be done?

Why did a mommy as great as yours lose her precious son?

Why didn’t God hear our cries? Why didn’t he make you well?

Where do we turn now, where do we go? And don’t say time will tell.

I miss you ****, though we never met. I long to hold you tight.

Please give your mommy a kiss, dear ****; I think she needs one tonight.

Be blessed,
Jenn

This Post Has 8 Comments

  1. I’ll be praying for you. I understand how you are feeling to a point, that’s kinda how I get when I hear about the death of a child. It just upsets me and I can’t stop thinking about it. One of the reasons I hardly ever watch the news anymore. I try not to think about something happening to my kids, but as Mothers we can’t help it. I think my dh would have to lock me up in a mental hospital cause I would lose it. In time you will get to feeling better and you know some of it is the pregnancy hormones. Take care of yourself. Hugs

  2. It sounds like you are really grieving this boys death, the loss this family is experiencing, as well as your perception of safety for your own children. ((hugs))

    I just wanted to discuss this:

    >

    I honestly cannot imagine that God didn’t hear our requests. In fact, I’m certain he listened carefully to the prayers of Knox’s parents and to those praying on the boy’s behalf. I am convinced his heart aches for the loss the family is experiencing. The thing that I keep in mind is that God *did* heal Knox. (Certainly not in our earthy definition of healing, and not within the parameters of our requests, but God is infinitely wiser and his discernment is not our own.) God’s judgment in this instance was that Knox needed to return home to HIM.

    God’s waiting patiently for you to find your way back to Him. He understands your grief completely. He has the comfort that you seek.

  3. I wanted to let you know that I am preying for you, and I do not think you are selfish….just honest! I’ve been there & it was MUCH worse when I was pregnant with Ava too. The older I get, the more I hear about losses like Knox. It is heartbreaking, and makes you think the worst, I know.

    Here is a scripture that helped me through when I was feeling that way:

    Okay, so I am still searching for where I wrote it down, but I’ll post it as soon as I find it for you ((hugs))

  4. I’ll be praying Jenn….

  5. Jenn, I’m sorry you are feeling this loss so deeply. I ran across Knox’s mom’s blog last night and sat and read and cried for a long time myself.

    I was going to point out the same thing that manda did. God did hear our prayers. God did heal Knox. He gave him the ultimate healing. Was it one that we would have wished for him. Not really – because we selfishly wanted him to be here with his family.

    I’ll be praying for you to be able to cope with this. I know how easy it is to look at our children and our friends who no longer have theirs and feel guilty about having our own healthy children.

  6. (((((((Jenn))))))) I know how you are feeling. I love you, and I am praying for you. My faith has been shaken too from this. The only thing that is a comfort is “we will understand it better by and by”. God really is in control. And as far as you being afraid of losing your baby…God is in control there too. Please try not to worry about it. God only gives grace for a situation like that when the grace is needed. Think on what is true…you DO still have your children. That is all that matters today.

    God bless you.
    ~Chelsie

  7. *hugs* hang in there, jenn. i know it’s rough for you. time heals all.

  8. oh, Jenn (((( hugs ))))) praying for you … and praying for myself, too as I have many of your same struggles and thoughts, my sweet blessed mama friend 🙁

    Thinking of you!

    (ps … http://www.rockingranola.com )

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